[Trapped]

It seems obvious that Nell and Paul are simply speaking from different experiences. For those who actually chose to follow Witness Lee over God, repenting seems to be the appropriate and necessary response.

For those like me who did NOT choose to follow Witness Lee over God, but instead were plunged from birth into an insular, closed-door garlic room, my own experience lines more up with what Paul is describing, and for me to think I had to take Nell or Ohio's advice of repenting for "following Lee" would make me feel like God has joined in cahoots with the abusive leaders and that God Himself is making me grovel for..........someone ELSE choosing to raise me in this environment and someone ELSE threatening God's wrath, leprosy, cancer, or death against me if I dared express an opinion, hurt, or desire to leave. None of those are things I should be repenting of any more than any other child who is born into any other abusive system.

Thinking a "simplicity of faith" is some kind of answer does absolutely nothing to help the years-long battle of sorting out what, if anything, from my entire life was TRUE or if it all was a lie. It does nothing to help me trust people again. It does nothing to stabilize the shattered foundation of my life. I know it's a nice thought that simply trusting makes it all okay, but the reality is, God isn't there every step of the way making sure there is ointment on every throbbing wound. The aftermath of this kind of thing is real and God, for whatever reason, doesn't keep us from suffering in it as we heal over the long-term. There is no immediate simplicity to the faith when your entire faith is under revision because you are pickled by a system of faith-error. There is no immediate simple way to trust God when you are battling daily with trying to sort out all the lies you were told about that God. How can I repent to God that I didn't somehow magically "know" who He "really" was, when the entirety of my surroundings told me otherwise, and when "God's deputy authorities who you must submit to regardless of right or wrong" utterly maligned any other group whose message of a loving God might have made its way to my ears? It's ludicrous.....for people who did not choose this but were forced into it by birth.

I for one always felt uncomfortable with the "out-of-mind group calling sessions" where the Lord's name was just cheer bait and I simply could not participate, but had to fake it with outward actions like fist-pumping and lip-moving while others were screaming out and clearly out of their mind. I for one literally NEVER got anything out of Witness Lee's material and had to MAKE UP MY ENJOYMENT literally every single time a serving one made me tell them what I enjoyed the second after reading another boring excerpt. I for one grew up with a God who smacked me down at every turn for any little thing I was normally, humanly, non-sinfully interested in. Literally the first time I heard God might not be that way, but might be a God whose face was turned towards me, was when I was well, well into adulthood. Like not 24 years old, but much further on into adulthood. It was blindingly new information. Shook me for days that God might not hate me. What am I repenting for?

But for those who can remember points where they chose Lee over their conscience, or where they chose the ministry over the Bible, or where they blamed victims and supported perpetrators, or where they shoved God's voice aside and took in the co-workers' voices......repenting sounds appropriate and is good advice. This is a very situational thing and both Nell and Ohio and Paul's advice and wisdom is appropriate.....per the situation.

And I'm sure there are even others who have different experiences from the two types described here. Some other response/healing/journey is the appropriate thing for them too.

Trapped